LOVE IT OR HATE IT: THIS AIN'T NO COOKIE CUTTER BAR The majority of the planet often frequents the neighborhood pub or sports bar and whilst enjoying some semblance of a pseudo original twist on a slightly trans fat deep fried form of potato, may even indulge oneself in the current score appearing on one of the many surrounding monitors as they sip on something recognizably overly promoted, bottled and/or possibly domestic. That's cool. The majority of the planet must be the majority for some reason. Kudos to the success of roll back pricing and the Big Mac. Now on the other hand ... for those of you who may have ever chased the surf trail around four continents and mysteriously ended up in a fire lit bar in Portugal named Joe's Garage or possibly the old Viper Room in L.A. (honorable mention goes to the Go-Go in Montreal and Bowery in NYC), then you my friend, are definitely not in the majority. So where is there an establishment worthy of your inhabitation and obscure enough to accommodate your ADD ridden attention span? Welcome to Bang Bang Bar. Bang Bang Bar could easily be described as the little downtown style night club that's not downtown. But then again, how many downtown clubs have a chrome stripper pole in the middle of the dance floor? How many downtown clubs have a set of drums that lower from the ceiling for bachelorettes and birthday girls to rock to? How many downtown clubs have a punching bag that cougars get to take out their frustration from the sustained pole injuries they've recently incurred? Or a black light waterfall on the back patio under 120 000 btu's of year round infrared heat? Or a bon fire pit? Or a foam machine (and not the toy hand held consumer model - a real bonafide full blown Ibiza style club foam machine)? Or a neon glow bubble machine and smoke and laser show? Or leather lounge recliners shaped like stilettos? Or electro-thermomatic liquor dispenser machines? Or dual mic cordless karaoke on the gigantic projector screen which also doubles to accommodate Wii video tournaments and Xbox 360 Rock Band and Guitar Hero or Dance Dance Revolution with dual cages? Doesn't quite sound like anywhere in town, does it? It ain't. And for the record, even Joe's Garage didn't have a Bang Bang Bar Retro Martini Porsche Carrera 4 company car. Let's not overlook the Five Course Prix Fixe Menu with sommelier wine pairings. Or the 100% blue aguave tequila bar. Or the absinth/absente selection. Need a more in depth description? Others have tried to describe the indescribable. In the Eye Magazine Bar and Patio Review, May 19, 2005, Bang Bang Bar unknowingly received the following review:
Eye Magazine settled out of court with Bang Bang Bar two weeks following the release of the issue. Note the following corrections/rebuttals: Although the regular clientele would easily fit the chronological profile of the audience of the Twin Peaks era, probably the majority of them would not have much familiarity with the aforementioned television show as it regularly aired on Friday evenings (pre Tivo) - the night when most of us were feathering our hair and ironing our acid washed jeans prepping for a night out in the Stingray pulling up to The Diamond, The Copa, RPM, Earl's Tin Palace or the Chick n' Deli. Retro Martini Bar is a fairly accurate assessment (in fact there are 69 martinis on the house list made from a choice of 16 premium grain and/or potato vodkas and 6 premium gins) as well as all the pizzas being named after 70's and 80's Porn Stars. Faux-Sleaze Lounge? There's nothing faux about it. Not yet. And breast augmentation or collagen injections don't count. Music? Everything from the most current Club and House to old school Classic Rock and Disco gets spinned here. The approach is ... "whatever the bachelorettes or party girls experimenting with the chrome stripper pole want to dance to, they get." The bar stools are filled with foam. The only blow is the guy who wrote the article and doing it on my balls. To describe the wait staff as merely friendly is an understatement. First of all, there is no wait staff, there are only Bar Divas. Hot Bar Divas. Smoking Hot Bar Divas who are super fun. In fact, Bang Bang Bar was designed specifically around the personality and charisma of the said Divas as there are no televisions showing sporting events or stock market reports. (every Diva is placed in the precarious position of pretending to host a party at their home under the scenario of being the conduit of introducing their work/stripper friends to their high school/stripper friends to their neighbors/strippers - relax, it's a joke - and existing as a social focal point; they do and they do it very well) Who else can keep smiling with such a pleasant disposition amidst the plethora of exaggerated tales of income and penis length? Lastly, there ain't no manager at Bang Bang Bar. There is an over-glorified busboy who will graciously dub you with a subconsciously insulting and debasing nick name, but no one who has ever graced the Bang Bang Bar premises has ever seen his pubic hair (still to date inclusive of the author of the Eye Magazine article ... so far) hence, any comments about the pubes being funky must be purely speculative. As for the eighties undercut and Medusa pony tailed crop, who knows what issues are going on there. And for the record, the front patio seats 10 and the back patio 15. ANONYMOUSLY AND WITHOUT PREJUDICED Kind of. PS. AND DESPITE THE FACT THAT THIS OUTLANDISH IDEA SEEMS LIKE A RECIPE FOR DISASTER IN THE OVERTLY CONSERVATIVE TDOT, IRONICALLY BANG BANG BAR HAS BEEN THE LONGEST RUNNING SINGLE OWNERSHIP ESTABLISHMENT ON BLOOR WEST STRIP ......... WTF? |
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